losing my faith? did i even have any?

So its Saturday and I'm lazing around - not really but for the most part yeah - So I decided to take a minute and do a post - Right now I'm at a crossroads with my faith in God I know there is a higher power just because of the way he/she makes them self known when I'm ready to start taking care of myself but I don't think that they are this all loving God that religions make him out to be if he were then why is there pedophiles on this earth why to children suffer at the hands of these monsters as well as suffer in illness like cancer and aids and hunger?  If God gave us free will maybe its time he took it away and start punishing the pieces of shit that deserve it even if that means punishing me as well for the things I have done to people - Not that I'm the worst person in the world but I have not always honored my mother and father I have stolen had envy lied -  and if these things require punishment then so be it although I feel as though I'm being punished living the life that I live like why do some pedophiles have loads of money that provide them the means to hurt children and I'm living with my mom and cant afford to do for my children like take them on amazing vacations and move out of this fucked up city - I have this youcaring fundraiser going on right now but no one is donating to it and my aunt said its prolly bc i feel like I'm entitled to it - so I looked up the word entitled and no that's not how i feel at all:

and then I had to look up inherently:













and this is not how I feel at all!!! I don't feel like I deserve anything from perfect strangers but I am envious and jealous of other fundraisers I see that (personally) I don't feel are as deserving as mine.  I'm trying to move my kids out of a bad city and raise them somewhere give them roots instead of moving them all around everywhere because I'm on disability and poor I do plan to get a job when they go back to school but its going to be hard because I am on methadone and I won't be able to pass a drug test without being honest and they won't like the fact that I am a recovering drug addict it's hard to find employment when you're in recovery and require special hours because you have absolutely no one to help you with your children for free.  My sister was lucky she had me and was able to get out of the welfare hole bc I was always there for her to babysit so that she could have a good job - I HAVE NO ONE!!!! My mom can't look after them bc of her age and medical issues she is the only one that is there for me and she can only be there for me so much I need friends but no one wants to be my friend IDK y I'm for the most part a good person I'm very caring a good listener and pretty much will give my friends the shirt off my back but with that i get taken advantage of a lot - I had this one girl that i thought was my friend but she was just using me and come to figure out she and her bf stole my kids tablets but i can't prove it which totally sucks - But back to the fundraiser there is a recovering addict on the youcaring site raising money to get a peddlers license and he has raised a lot of money I can't even get friends and family to donate $1 it sux I don't feel entitled to have them donate I don't feel like me and my kids deserve anything from anyone it would just be nice for someone to give a shit about me - I feel so alone lately like no one gives two fucks about me - my mom spends a lot of money on me and my kids but I don't feel like she cares about me at all which i can understand bc I have fucked her over a lot with my drug use - I feel like everyone has turned their back on me - and I need to learn how to love myself bc no one else does and if I don't love myself who will? Yeah I know I've got my kids but those who have kids no how ornery they can be and my kids are very spoiled - I'm starting to ask myself why i even bother - Just throw in the towel and say fuck it but I know things will get better THEY HAVE TO LOL!! That's all 4 now -

Smoochies!!