PLEASE HELP!!!!! (Use my Poll to your right!!! -------->)

Hey all your favorite fucked up individual with a moral dilemma – I was going to put this one post up about my POS deadbeat baby daddy yesterday and I never got around to it so I’m going to include it in this plea – this is what I was going to post but never got around to writing/doing it!:

My kids father back in April stopped sending money because “work slowed down” so he informed me in May he would be sending money again and make up for what he “couldn’t send in April” so I wait until the middle of May to text him and he just came back with his usual excuses (the texts between us will be following so then he stopped responding all together and I haven’t heard from him again until today!!  And all he texted was that he wanted his kids to call him – do I let the kids call him – I’m sick of him being in and out of their lives whenever he wants to be it’s not fair to MY boys – it really burns me up when he has the nerve to refer to MY kids as HIS kids this fuck bag has NEVER been a constant in wither of their lives.  It’s kind of funny not really I guess now I look at it and it’s kind of FUCKED UP – I used to sneak my youngest niece around to see her father because my sister wouldn’t let her and her brother see him – and I always thought it was fucked up how could she keep her kids away from their father – but now that I’m in a similar situation I now understand – It has VERY LITTLE to do with financial support – It’s more of the fact that he thinks its ok to call MY kids once every 2 – 6 months he should call MY boys every day fuck your money you piece of shit deadbeat sperm donor BE A PART OF YOUR KIDS LIFE YOU FUCKING SELFISH ASSHOLE – it’s funny because he always cusses me out and calls me selfish when I ask him for money that MY KIDS DESERVE Really? You fucking piece of shit take a look in the mirror and see who the fucking selfish one is – I wish he would just fucking DIE at least then I can explain to my kids why he has nothing to do with them on a regular basis!

Please – Should I let the kids call the deadbeat piece of shit or fuck him let him prove his worth? 

losing my faith? did i even have any?

So its Saturday and I'm lazing around - not really but for the most part yeah - So I decided to take a minute and do a post - Right now I'm at a crossroads with my faith in God I know there is a higher power just because of the way he/she makes them self known when I'm ready to start taking care of myself but I don't think that they are this all loving God that religions make him out to be if he were then why is there pedophiles on this earth why to children suffer at the hands of these monsters as well as suffer in illness like cancer and aids and hunger?  If God gave us free will maybe its time he took it away and start punishing the pieces of shit that deserve it even if that means punishing me as well for the things I have done to people - Not that I'm the worst person in the world but I have not always honored my mother and father I have stolen had envy lied -  and if these things require punishment then so be it although I feel as though I'm being punished living the life that I live like why do some pedophiles have loads of money that provide them the means to hurt children and I'm living with my mom and cant afford to do for my children like take them on amazing vacations and move out of this fucked up city - I have this youcaring fundraiser going on right now but no one is donating to it and my aunt said its prolly bc i feel like I'm entitled to it - so I looked up the word entitled and no that's not how i feel at all:

and then I had to look up inherently:













and this is not how I feel at all!!! I don't feel like I deserve anything from perfect strangers but I am envious and jealous of other fundraisers I see that (personally) I don't feel are as deserving as mine.  I'm trying to move my kids out of a bad city and raise them somewhere give them roots instead of moving them all around everywhere because I'm on disability and poor I do plan to get a job when they go back to school but its going to be hard because I am on methadone and I won't be able to pass a drug test without being honest and they won't like the fact that I am a recovering drug addict it's hard to find employment when you're in recovery and require special hours because you have absolutely no one to help you with your children for free.  My sister was lucky she had me and was able to get out of the welfare hole bc I was always there for her to babysit so that she could have a good job - I HAVE NO ONE!!!! My mom can't look after them bc of her age and medical issues she is the only one that is there for me and she can only be there for me so much I need friends but no one wants to be my friend IDK y I'm for the most part a good person I'm very caring a good listener and pretty much will give my friends the shirt off my back but with that i get taken advantage of a lot - I had this one girl that i thought was my friend but she was just using me and come to figure out she and her bf stole my kids tablets but i can't prove it which totally sucks - But back to the fundraiser there is a recovering addict on the youcaring site raising money to get a peddlers license and he has raised a lot of money I can't even get friends and family to donate $1 it sux I don't feel entitled to have them donate I don't feel like me and my kids deserve anything from anyone it would just be nice for someone to give a shit about me - I feel so alone lately like no one gives two fucks about me - my mom spends a lot of money on me and my kids but I don't feel like she cares about me at all which i can understand bc I have fucked her over a lot with my drug use - I feel like everyone has turned their back on me - and I need to learn how to love myself bc no one else does and if I don't love myself who will? Yeah I know I've got my kids but those who have kids no how ornery they can be and my kids are very spoiled - I'm starting to ask myself why i even bother - Just throw in the towel and say fuck it but I know things will get better THEY HAVE TO LOL!! That's all 4 now -

Smoochies!!

Haha I suck

So day 1 (or as I like to call it D Day) did not go well at all! I started off with a sour cream donut from Dunkin Donuts because I figured since I didn't have one yesterday that would make up for it and I wouldn't get anything sweet all day well I've been using sugar all day with half and half in my coffee as well as going to the grocery store and picking up donuts and ice cream and ice cream topper and I think that's it I haven't eaten any of the stuff that I bought at the store but I probably will so tomorrow hopefully I will do good and stay with no sweets its just so hard to give up sweets especially when that's basically my diet - my niece is on a what's called a clean eating diet and I found all these recipes for some yummy desserts so maybe if I make those then I can have my sweets and eat healthy at the same time

Giving up Dunkin Donuts :(

So I've decided I'm fat! ! I weigh 225 lbs I'm extremely overweight!!! My main food that I eat is sour cream doughnuts from dunkin donuts so I'm giving them up and not using as much sugar in my coffee if anyone has any ideas for a good natural sweetener (I know sugar is natural but it's unhealthy the way I use it) please comment I will try to b diligent about posting my journey I'm also going to try to exercise but no guarantee on that bc of my back and my laziness n the fact that I smoke a pack a day but hopefully with the healthy changes it will help me quit smoking too!!

$moochies!!!!

Fuck Men (expcet for my boys LMFAO) jk love men just not the ones in my life!!

Hello all to used to read my blog a little has changed since the last time i posted - my sons are now 5 and 6 in kindergarten and pre-k and will be heading into 1rst grade and kindergarten next school year I'm very excited!!! This blog will be a little toned down from my last one bc of the fat that my baby daddy discovered it and plans to use it against me whenever we go to court for custody!! Anywho, I felt the need to say something about MEN!! This is one thing that has changed since my last blog - Ive been VERY single for a while and while it can be lonely at times I've never been happier without that extra stress - These assholes really make me laugh I have this one ex the Moroccan remember him hes been trying to hit this ever since he dumped it! I finally laid it down to him the other day that I respect myself now (thank the holy lord) and that I no longer want to be with someone who really wants nothing from me than sex!  Like really you dump me when i need someone the most and then expect me to want to fuck you whenever you want REALLY???!!! Then I have this one guy that I used to be like a FWB and he once told me that he would never date me bc he thinks I'm crazy but I'm good enough to FUCK??? AGAIN REALLY???!!!! Uh no sweetheart my pussy ain't getting tossed around for just anyone anymore and if that means that i am dickless for the rest of my life than so be it I'd rather be without dick than feel like a worthless piece of meat!! I'm just upset that it took me so long to respect my body! Plus I need to set a good example for my boys even though they aren't girls it would do them no good to see men in and out of my/their lives!!

Smoochies!!!!